But WHY?

Why do bad things happen? Why does God allow tragedy? Why doesn’t God stop disasters? Why doesn’t Jesus heal everybody? We have our “WHY GOD” questions and sadly some have them more often than others.
Recently while visiting the hospitality center (a place where our pre operation and post operation patients stay) I wondered what “Why God?” questions they would ask.

God why would you let me suffer for 17 years with a facial tumor that made it harder and harder for me to breath everyday?
God why would you let me fall into a fire when I was 3 and be left with permanent disfiguring scars?
God why would you let my newborn baby, have a hole in the roof of her mouth, making it almost impossible for her to eat?
God why would you let me give birth to 4 babies in which all four died and instead leave me with a fistula that makes me constantly leak urine?
God why would you let my baby be born blind unable to see me or grow up independently?

I tried to put myself in their flip flops but couldn't fathom what it would be like to have a 10 lb tumor hanging off the side of my face when in reality I freak out when I get 10 pimples. Instead I had to rely on the different experiences that I had personally gone through.
My big “WHY GOD” question was after my brother Billy died when he was 16. Billy and I were on our way to school when he lost control of his car and died. It was a really hard time for me, my family, and for anyone that knew Billy or our family. I blamed myself for a long time for Billy’s death. I remember pleading with God night after night that he would bring Billy back and take me instead. I remember crying wishing I could do that morning over again and change one thing, anything, that would have altered the tragedy that unfolded that day. I wanted the hurt to go away, I wanted the suffering to end, and I wanted things to go back to the way they were. When God didn’t answer my prayers or make the pain go away, I instead blamed Him. I was blinded by a thick blanket of grief. I thought I would never get out of that feeling. Now as I look back on this hard time I rejoice seeing how God truly used it and continues to use it for good.

What suffering have you gone through or are going through?
God why do you let a parent suffer through cancer only to leave behind young children, to be raised by a grieving parent?
God why do you let children get incurable cancers?
God why do you let a loving dad, have a heart attack leaving behind 3 teenage girls?
God why do you let children be born with chromosomal or genetic disorders?

Going through this tragedy, and all the suffering that came with it, God showed me his unconditional love and compassion for each one of us. This suffering produced an endurance to push me through all the hard times. This endurance helped build my character of an unshakable faith. And this character produces joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation. Such hope never disappoints or shames us, for God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. (Romans 5:3-5)
I will never know what it is like to have a tumor on the side of my face. I will never know what it is like to leak urine for 10 years while grieving over the death of 4 out of 4 of mychildren. Yet even though I don’t know these situations specifically I do know what it is like to suffer.

Looking around at the patients and caregivers at the hospitality center each one has a "Why God?" question and a story of suffering. But I know that just as God used my suffering for good he will do the same for them because he loves and cares for each one.

John chapter 9 it talks about Jesus healing a blind man. Jesus was walking through a village and he saw a blind guy sitting on the side of the road. One of his disciples asked him, “Rabbi who sinned this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.”…. Jesus then makes a mud and spit combo, then anoints the man's eyes with the mix, and then tells him to go and wash it off. So off he went and washed and came back seeing.

I am blessed by the lessons that God has taught me through Billy’s death but also the lessons he continues to teach me. Watching these patients go through these trials not just physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. Instead of me looking at them and asking WHY GOD I instead look at them with excitement wondering how God will be glorified through whatever suffering they are going through.
“That the works of God might be displayed in him… “ God uses these trials and tragedies so that his works can be shown through them. God is not a merciless God. He weeps with us, he sees every tear that falls. God knows our future and he allows us to go through sufferings because he knows our faith will grow. He also knows that this world is not all there is and that our hope is based on something much greater.

"So off he went and washed and came back seeing" The blind man had to go over and wash his eyes; he had to take action. After Billy died and for many years after, I was sitting on the side of the road, with mud over my eyes, unwilling to stand up and wash my eyes clean. I pray that whatever suffering you are going through or have gone through that you are holding on to the truth that Jesus loves you. If you are still in the thick blanket of grief, I pray that you will wash off the mud and see.

Later in John as the this newly seeing man was being questioned by those in authority about who gave him sight, the man simply answered, “Whether Jesus was a sinner I do not know. One thing I do know that once I was blind and now I see.” God will use these sufferings so that His good, loving, kind, merciful, gracious, and compassionate works, can be displayed.

Blinking billboard!!

Over these past few months in Togo I have noticed this ‘thing’ slowly slipping into my life. At first it was very subtle but now it has turned into a blinking billboard. This ‘thing’ I am talking about is……. pride. I know that pride is something that we all battle everyday normally but recently as I have become more comfortable with what God has called me to do the voltage of my pride was making my electric bill astronomical.
Going into this outreach, I was very uncomfortable as many new things were being asked of me. Since Mercy Ships has such a quick turn over of nurses, after only working on the wards for 4 months, I was considered a senior nurse. Also since I had been here longer I was also being asked to step in to different positions in the hospital. As I thought about these new positions part of me felt I should do it just because I was long term, but then as I prayed about it, I felt like God was saying, wait. (He says that a lot of me) I prayed asking God to help me see where he wanted me and how he wanted to use me. Not to long after this, my friend Suzanne, asked if I would be willing to help her with the Burkitt’s program since she knew I was an oncology pedi nurse. BING!! I quickly accepted and then started reading and researching everything I could get my hands on about Burkitt’s Lymphoma. Through this time of learning God showed me so much with helping me understand everything involved with treating a Burkitt’s patient but also he was softening my heart and showing me how with basic education and needs being met, peoples lives can be saved.

At this point God planted the ‘community health education (CHE) seed’ in my heart. As I started to look into CHE more I realized I knew nothing about it in regards to Africa. But as I prayed about this and read God’s word, I saw how we are called the share the gifts and wisdom that he has given us. So I took that leap into the unknown. It just so happen that my roommate at the time, Ellen, was going out to teach English and the alphabet at a local church so I asked if I could come along to teach basic healthcare. She quickly accepted.
Senior nurse, Burkitt’s program, African CHE… each one of these things made me extremely uncomfortable and showed me how weak and untrained I really was. I hadn’t felt that close to God in awhile as I went to Him with everything and relied on Him daily to be my strength and wisdom.
As the days and weeks passed and I became more comfortable with these things, that’s when the billboard started being built. I found myself talking a lot about what I was doing, what I wanted to do in the future, how I wanted it to happen, when I wanted it to happen, where I wanted it to happen; I think you get the point. I was still doing all the things I had been doing before, if not more. I was reading his word every day. I was spending specific time in prayer. I was helping out with the Burkitt’s program. I was teaching community health education on my days off. I was reaching out to make new friends and strengthen old relationships. But as all these plans were coming out of my mouth the closeness that I had felt with my Dad, was no longer there.
I knew what I needed to do but I kept putting it off. Finally I decided to pray and search my heart for an answer to this distance. It didn’t take me to long to see the huge blinking PRIDE sign sitting in front of me.
Romans 1:21-23~ For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man…
I was acting like a selfish Pharisee, going through all the right motions but for my glory and not to the one it was due. This seed that God had planted, this desires that God placed in my heart, I had foolishly and selfishly stolen as my own. No longer did I consider these gifts that God had entrusted me with but instead I thought of them as something that I had created.
Doh! I knew I needed to unplug my blinking billboard. So over to the socket I went and pulled the plug. But here in lies the next problem and the continued personal struggle not to turn the billboard back on. The plug and socket are still in the room, tempting me to turn it back on but instead I need to keep my focus and reliance on God and know that He wont let me be tempted beyond my ability.
Ephesians 2:10~ For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. How can I boast in something that isn’t my own? The gifts and wisdom that I have are not mine at all. These are from God. EVERY good and perfect thing is from above (James 1:17)
So what now? Matthew 5:16~ In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven. God has shown me that I can keep doing all the things I have been doing but to remember to give the glory to the one it is due.
I thank you God for the opportunity to serve you in this way. God I thank you for the doors you have opened and the amazing people you have placed in my life. God I thank you for showing me more about who you are and the love you have for all of your children. Father I don’t know what your plans are for me but I place my life in your hands.

Give me your eyes...

Yesterday I woke up feeling, not so great. I got up at my usual time but i felt weak, nauseous, fatigued, etc. I did my normal morning routine before work but by 0645a still felt the same so decided it was probably best that I call out and rest. Now for anyone that knows me, I HATE calling out and rarely ever am sick enough to bring myself to the point of taking a day of rest. BUT once i arrived down on the wards i had found that 2 other nurses had called out and that they were already scrambling to disperse patients so I prayed that God would give me the strength and love to not just get through my shift but to get through it while pouring love onto my patients. God is so good and he did just that.

After my shift ended, and as soon as i went up to my room, i laid my head down and slept for 12 hours. I woke up today feeling refreshed and healthy. Todays shift was a bit different than the day before. I wish i could tell you as i walked into the wards the little children came running into my arms with hugs and kisses but instead i will tell you the truth. Today I felt like nurse Ratched. Forcing children to drink Ensure, pulling out nasogatric tubes, cutting out stitches, and pinning children down to give normal saline nebs. To say the least my children did NOT love Nurse Becca. On a 'normal day' i can say to one of my kiddos "Atooouu" which means 'hug' in Mina (the local dialect) and one of the kids will run over and give me a hug. Instead today when i said Attoouuu, my one little patient, the Ward Princess, said "Ouwoo" which means "no"....Ouch....

I continued on my day knowing that even though my kiddos considered me to be like Nurse Ratched i knew that the torture i was putting them through was for there own good. Even if they always said "Ouwoo" to my "Attoouuu" I would keep on doing what i knew i needed to do to get them better and to show them love through these seemingly torturous actions.
As i was explaining to the different Mamas why i was torturing their children I asked them a few simple questions. To the first Mama who's child refused to eat or drink after getting a cleft lip and palate repair, i asked "well what does he drink at home in your village? water, milk, juice, soda, tea?" To which the mama replied "water". I then said "But what else besides water, he must drink something else." And she then replied "Water is all we can afford." ..... I stopped my jaw from dropping and i held back my tears at the reality that this Mama and her little boy couldn't even afford a glass of milk or a cup of juice. My ignorance was obnoxious. I realized that there was so much MORE i needed to learn and how much more i needed to LISTEN. I then moved on to my second Mama. I explained to the Mama that her Baby who also had a cleft lip and palate done was having some trouble breathing. I told her that we also suspected that he has a respiratory infection and most likely worms so we would be started him on some new medicines. I then explained to her that he really needed to get up and walk around to help his lungs open up and his bowels open up as well. She picked her 2 year old son up and plopped his feet on the floor. I then motioned to her that she needed to put his flip flops on before he walked around the hospital. She softly replied "He doesn't own any." As soon as the translator told me what she said that same weakness and nausea i had felt the night before crept back in but this time because of the poverty that sat before me. I asked around to a few nurses to see if they had any kid flip flops and instead went down to our 'Boutique' and found a little pair of 'Tweety' shoes that were a little big, but would do the trick. I handed them to Mom and her face lit up as she placed the new shoes on her baby boy.

Leaving work i felt really really sad... Water and flip flops, come on really.. Later that day while listening to some music this song popped on (Give me your eyes by Brandon Heath) and the sadness that I had felt came pouring out...

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond me reach
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see..

Thank you Father for letting me see a glimpse of your heart. God I pray that you will give me more of your heart, God that you will give me your eyes to see what is sitting right in front of me. God help me to reach the forgotten and help me to be your hands and feet. I love you Papa! In Jesus name i pray all these things... AMEN